THE DATING GAME (Part 1)

Just ask my friends: I am always pissing and moaning about the fact that I am single.  I don't mean just unmarried single, I mean "another Saturday night and I ain't got no body" single, except I ain't got no body on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday, either. There are times I sigh with deep relief about this (I'm no fool), and at other times I fume with envy because "here I am, alone again, naturally."  (Sorry for the song references...but it's easy to write lyrics, not always so to write real stuff.)

So what do I want?  Not sure.  Not to be joined at the hip with some guy, that much I know; even at 17 I thought the two-headed driver thing was ridiculous.  I do have my own life and it needn't be spent in somebody's lap whispering sweet nothings.  But that guy I'm not joined at the hip with does have to be funny, interesting, interested, honest, and by all means have my back.  I have gone out with some very nice gentlemen, but either I didn't float their boat or vice-versa.  Too bad, I know.  I have also gone out with some complete doofuses (to put it nicely) and some real assholes (to put it truthfully).  Lord, keep me from that again.  If I only knew then what I know now.

My late 20s, 30s and early 40s -- childbearing years -- were spent prone on the sofa with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome when it took all my effort to breathe, never mind to seek a relationship with someone whose children I'd want to raise.  Good thing for my awesome nephews and my single-dad friend Gregg's daughter.  Those were ecstatic, wonderful times, the times I spent with them.  They satisfied a high percentage of my maternal instincts; the greatest mistake I made in my life was not having a child.  But that ship's sailed, so now we're on to other stuff.  Stuff like travel, fairs and festivals, dining out, art museums, flea markets, theater, camping, Yankee baseball, and just hanging on out watching scary movies and eating pizza. (And it would be nice if sometimes instead of ME crawling on the basement floor with a wrench to prime the oil burner, it's HIM.)


I usually enjoy my own company, no problem there, but it can be more fun and more meaningful when you do it with a good friend or compatible significant other.  Therein lies the quandary.  Most friends are married or in monogamous relationships and ten to one they have something else to do.  That leaves the prospective significant other.  Where is he, and can he cook??

I have lots of male friends -- I don't mean Friends With Benefits, I mean platonic friends (or vertical friends; I heard it put that way once and thought it was witty).  I always have had guy friends and guys around who were friends with my older brother; you'd think that I'd know how men tick.  I have no clue.  Nor, at this point in my life, do I believe it's a requirement -- or even pertinent.  If you have time to figure all that stuff out, lord bless you.  Hell, I don't even know what makes women tick. 

I keep wondering.  With me I don't see how it can be fear of commitment; I committed to quitting smoking, and I did.  I committed to losing 50 pounds, and I lost 60.  (Several times, in fact.)  I committed to getting a college degree, and I got one.  So if it's not that, then what?  Where does the reason for this paucity lie?  I'm not needy or possessive (see paragraph two, sentence four, above).  On the other hand I don't have a problem being loyal, appreciative, supportive, loving without limits and asking for the same.  Let's see, I am also kind, smart, and funny, and no one need ever put a bag over my head.  On the other hand I am somewhat clueless when it comes to playing head games.  What are head games?  I don't play head games and have a zero tolerance policy for such, and why the hell do these even have to factor in?   Ridiculous.  Let's just go to the Lions Club Baked Potato Festival, for chrissake.  Life is short.

But the older you get the less available people there are to meet (not to mention the fact that you're kinda set in your ways and resist compromise).  I have had it proven several times over that yes, you can meet a nice guy in a bar.  However, I've outgrown bars.  My married/in-a-relationship friends appear to invite me places as a (and I'm not ungrateful here guys) fifth wheel, rather than looking around for someone to introduce me to (I don't like the term "fix me up with").  So anyway people are telling me to look online.

I resisted.  I figured only losers find prospective mates on the internet.  You know, desperation city.  "Not necessarily," said a wise and newly widowed relative, who answered a want ad or two in the newspaper and found that these were nice people indeed with nothing to be ashamed of, though no one clicked personally.  Hmm.

Then I go to a birthday party and meet the new girlfriend of a recently divorced neighbor -- a lovely woman.  Guess where they met?  On line.  An old friend tells me her sister met her new husband on line.  A gay friend of mine went to meet a guy he'd found on Match.com, and while there was no special connection there he met a friend of the guy and they lived happily ever after (for quite a while, anyway).  Like I said, hmmm.

So just for fun I crafted a profile; you know, what I am like, what I like to do, and what I'm looking for.  This could be a good exercise even if I never used it at a dating site.  Then what to my wondering eyes should appear but a free trial at eharmony (this was right around Valentine's Day).  I said what the hell, I'm going for it.  Now mind you, eharmony asks for a lot of information and encourages as much detail as possible (in fact the chance to be narcissistic is one of their claims to fame).  Here's what my profile said (the eharmony prompts are in bold print):

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 The one thing I am most passionate about:

I am passionate about preventing animal cruelty and seeing that appropriate sanctions are given to those who commit these crimes. I will go to the ends of the earth to rescue and help place an animal and to see that justice is done. I am also involved in the Lyme Disease & other "invisible" diseases community, in outreach, educating both patients and doctors about tick-borne disorders and the "politics" of many aspects of this illness.

The most important thing I am looking for in a person is:

I'm looking for a willingness to do new things and go new places; "'life is either a great adventure or nothing" (Helen Keller)! I don't care if it's trekking in Tibet or going to the annual Lions Club Baked Potato Festival (maybe a little more my speed). Let's have fun and keep learning. I think a love for and loyalty to family is uppermost. A sense of humor and intelligence...and someone who really does have my back.

 
About Me

Basic Information

Occupation:		Writer
Age		55
Height		5' 9"
Wants Kids:		No
Kids at Home:		No
Ethnicity	White, non-Hispanic
Religion:	Spiritual, but not religious
Drinks:	A few times a year
Smokes:	Never

In my own words

The most influential person in my life has been:

My aunt and uncle, who owned the house I live in now, were my heroes. We lived with them until I was 9 years old and my parents bought their own house. My aunt taught me the elegance of polishing silver, ironing sheets and growing African violets. She was the one who initially flew overseas to keep our thread to our relatives in Scotland going. My uncle was a master pattern-maker. He had a long drive to work, snowy winters included, and no highways then. He taught me that whatever it is, "this, too, shall pass." And what courage both of them showed in terminal illness. I miss them very much and try to be half the persons they were.

The three things which I am most thankful for:

• I am thankful for the opportunities I've had to travel to places where I've wanted to go. I've been so fortunate: I've climbed trails in the snow in the Sierra Nevada mountains, I've stood in the middle of the sunburned desert, I've driven beautiful and breathtaking roads, roughed it and occasionally been fortunate enough to live a little bit like the rich and famous. I never regret one second, or one penny, that I've spent on travel. It's the greatest adventure and I wish I could have many more!!
• I'm thankful for my family. I grew up with unconditional love, in a household that was nurturing, funny, unexpected at times, and yet as down-home as "Leave it to Beaver" -- in a small town not unlike a New England Mayberry. I still have both my parents (in their 80s) and my greatest joy: my two nephews, with whom I have a very special relationship: I'm the one they come to when they (infrequently) get in trouble (i.e. speeding ticket), when they want to run something by me that they're not sure their parents will react favorably to (teaching underprivileged kids in the inner city?) and when they aren't feeling well, I can comfort them.
• I'm thankful that I have a gift for writing. It's stood me in good stead over the years when a situation hangs on the weight of a letter, when a tough patch gets its due by journaling, when I want to make myself, or others, laugh or cry or envision or get involved. I haven't always pursued this talent in the marketplace, so to speak, and I know that I should. But I write, because I can't not write. And I can't not read, either, so I'm thankful there are lots of great writers out there!

Three of my best life-skills are:

• Using humor to make friends laugh
• Making improvements and repairs around the house
• Achieving personal goals

The one thing I wish MORE people would notice about me:

Sometimes people think I am a pushover. Too nice. I'm diplomatic, yes, but they don't see the VERY steely and intense determination I have to see that things are done, and done properly and well. I'm not sure where this trait comes from, but it drives me insane when people don't do the right thing the right way and then try to weasel out of it. Not on my watch. Nope.

The things I can't live without are:

• Books
• Animals
• Friends
• Family (especially my nephews!)
• Fun

The first thing people notice about me:

My sense of humor, I think. It's a little...well, eccentric. What do you expect? I grew up surrounded by plenty of "characters," shall we say. Very Thurber-esque, I've been told. Or "Far Side." I also find a sense of humor helps get me through challenging times. I would also hope that my sense of adventure shows through. I might not always be able to do it, but I'm ready and willing to explore new places and new pastimes. Skydiving is out though.

Some additional information I want you to know:

I love flea markets, junk shops, prowling for antiques. I'm basically a Cat Person but I spent years dog-sitting for my friend's pit bulls, and they are the loves of my life. Living single, I've had to learn to do a lot of my own repairs and maintenance; I'm an independent person, not afraid to take on challenges. I'm a "girly" girl though, and love perfume and the color pink. I have 3 sections in my clothes closet: Small, Medium, and You're Going Out In Public With That On? (In other words I'm a Yo-Yo..sigh.) I hate cold weather. I'm not a good cook. I am a VERY good baker. But I can't dance no matter what.

My interests

I typically spend my leisure time:

What is leisure time? Ha! I do like to read; I am rarely without at least two books within arm's reach. I'd say that's number one. I love to blog and surf the net for other blogs -- it's a wonderful escape and eye-opening at the same time. I like watching movies and some TV shows; I'm a sucker (pun intended) for "True Blood" and "The Vampire Diaries," and the British comedies on PBS. Reality shows need not apply but I DO like T.A.P.S., Ghost Adventures, A Haunting, et al (lol).

The last book I read and enjoyed:

"You Don't Look Like Anyone I Know." It was about a woman who is raised by a schizophrenic mother and a cross-dressing father (true story!!) and who on top of that suffers from "face blindness." What a bright, hopeful and resilient woman she turned out to be. Right now I'm reading "The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating," and enjoying it.

According to my friends:

My friends describe me as:

• Kind
• Easy-Going
• Loyal
• Intelligent

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Now mind you, the people at eharmony aren't dummies nor are they particularly kindhearted.  Yes, you can look at other people's profiles but you cannot see photos unless you actually JOIN (pay money).  You can have a very minimal amount of messaging with a potential "match."  Mention your e-mail address in a message and it'll be deleted.  Meanwhile there is all sorts of dating advice: 12 Rules For Dating, 9 Signs You've Found The One, Ten Fatal Mistakes Women Make With Men, Seven Secrets To Communication, etc.  I kind of skipped this stuff because I tend to shun self-help books and programs.  No, not by any stretch do I think I know it all, I just don't trust other people's advice.  After all, where's it ever gotten me?  But I put that profile out there, and I waited to see what would happen.  What did happen? Stay tuned. And click here.